im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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