Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
third nipple confirmed
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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