can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
