If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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