i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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