It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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