I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
