ya dads aren't the best wingmen
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
