i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
