From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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