My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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