I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
