I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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