I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
