And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
