It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
