You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
