naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
