Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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