You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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