Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
