I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
