ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
