I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Your dad touched me again.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Randomize
