found the other keg... it's in the tree
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
