The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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