i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
