Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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