I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
