whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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