Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
