i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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