I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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