Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
