I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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