plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize