Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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