when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
