Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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