drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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