My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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