So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
this just has baby written all over it
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Green mimosas i think yes
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
