he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
All the doctor said was why
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
