Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize