I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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