Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
