So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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