Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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