Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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