I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
