You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize