I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
