i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
