John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
