Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
