I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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