Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
