Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
